Journal of yours truely

 Well, I never write in this enough. I mean, its been a long time. I'm barely even good at writing in my real journal, much less an online one. But I shall try to stick with the program here. 

I hate school. Not every school exactly, just mine. ESD 101 is all right when you consider the fact that Its only three hours long and I get out at 11:00 AM. Or if you look at the fact that a lot of my friends are in there (Joel, James, Clay, Lois, Ian). But than, the fact that my teacher, Mr. Allen is a total pharisaic douche bag comes to mind, and I hate it all over again. I'm even finding myself looking forward to going back to CV. 

Anyhoo, I now have 27 dollars, and change which I have no energy to count, in my fund for Chrissy's birthday. Its April 8th, I have a month and two days to come up with 80 dollars. Think I can do it? hah. I dont. But I can try. I want to be able to get us a gram, and a little bit of weed in celebration of the event. Mainly the gram though since I know for sure thats what Chrissy wants.

But on to other things...I noticed in my last entry I wrote that I wasnt so sure about Timmy. Well, believe it or not, we're still together. going on 10 months here. I was wrong. I admit it. I love him. I didnt think I would ever love him, but I do. And its a little bit surprising. Usually, I'm right on about these things. Usually, when I think a relationship wont work, I'm right. But in this case, I was wrong. 

wow...I lost my train of thought. Its barreling off the tracks and running into people now. But I guess thats what they get for standing so close to me. Hah. that  was gay.

 Well mom is at this very moment prancing about the house, yelling about how she could care less if dad buys milk, and being a total bitch to dad. You see this makes me want a cigarette, but I have none, which gives me a head ache and irritates me even more. 
Seriously, you think mom would start to realize that getting pissed about everything changes nothing. It just makes ppl (preferably me) want to punch her in the face. 
OMG I NEED A CIGARETTE.
I seriously think i would kill for one right now. Actually. I know i would.
damn mom to hell for not having any.

Look at me.
My depth perception must be off again
Cuz this hurts deeper then I thought it did
It has not healed with time.
It just shot down my spine.
You look so beautiful tonight.
Reminds me how you layed us down, and gently smiled
before you destroyed my life.

Look at me.
My depth perception must be off again
You got much closer then I thought you did.
I'm in your reach
you held me in your hands.

Would you find it in your heart
to make this go away
and let me rest in pieces

 

 I'm so fuckin confused.
I like Timmy. But I barely see him, and eventually its going to mess things up between us. And the fact that I like someone else doesnt make me feel better about myself. 
Honestly. Timmy doesnt deserve this at all. I feel like shit.

I use to know you like the back of my hand
until today, you held your place
now your shifting like the sand
your chest would heave with pride
when I was spoken of
until tonight I never knew the difference between
comfort and love.
 although your sleeping right next to me
it feels like you are wide awake, and a distant dream
leading a life that is finally free 
of these endless nights, and countless fights
that turn us into who we hate to be

I use to hold you like its all that I had
now begins the falling out 
we are like a passing fad
your mouth would crack a smile
if i was spoken of
till tonight you never thought you'd
lose this epic battle with love.
although your sleeping right next to me
it feels like you are wide awake, and a distant dream
leading a life that is finally free
of these endless nights, and countless fights
that turn us into who we hate to be

and this is so difficult for the both of us
I know we tried so hard, theres just no hope for us
well its more then a shame that we lost to this game
all my walking, talking, breathing, sleeping
nothing will ever be the same.

For what its worth, I've always admired you
I always thought we could make it through
Now look what time can do
it took a masterpiece we built and broke it into
I always believed in you
I always loved you

way to go Stephenie Meyer. Edward was amazing in this book.

oh nooo....Chrissy is reading to me. She sucks at reading out loud. she pauses every three words or so, and then I get confused. dear lord.

My mom thinks I'm a witch.
as in she believes I practice wicca.
do you know what led her to believe this?
I wanted to buy some candles and incense. And you know
that that just screams sabrina the teenage witch. geez.
seems kind of lame to me.
I prove again and again that they can trust me,
but I'm accused of things right and left.
I'm beginning to think that parents trust is like
a huge steak dangling in front of a german shepard
but you keep pulling it away everytime he goes for it.
Parents will tell you you've earned their trust, but really
their watching every move you make to see what you do with it.
hence they dont trust you at all.
i'm not doing wicca.
I'm not a 'witch.'
and personally, I dont think wicca is that bad.

Tuesday is when Eclipse comes out.
The third book in the Twilight series
and the last one for another year. I'm nearly falling out of my seat just thinking about it.
Honestly, I cant wait.
I've had this marked on my calendar for months.
Chrissy and I already have a plan.
We're going to spend tuesday night at either
My house or hers, and we're gonna read the books together.
Sounds lame yes, but truely it wont be. Chrissy and I are nerds
who get kicks out of reading. all the time.
we're teased mercilessly by Timmy for it.
but on to bigger, but not better things...
I got an ipod to replace the mp3 that was stolen from me
by my brothers friend. I enjoy it very much. Except the fact
that I have to put all my music on the ipod, which will take forever.
It took me months to get my collection on my mp3.
but oh well, at least i dont need to use that horrible walkman anymore.

Well...
life sure is a simple little mystery isnt it?
gah.
Parents try way to hard to be lame.
Huge question of the day;
why are my mom and dad at each others throats when they're the ones who chose to marry each other again?
Cuz they're flippin retards, thats why.
On a better note, I have come to realize
that Holly Black books are amazing. Yes I am a nerd.
But Tithe, Valiant, and Ironside are amazing books,
even if they are a little out there.
I think I'm kinda in love with Roiben.
But he still cant compare to Edward and Jack Sparrow.
or even House for that matter. God, that show needs to start again.
anyway...
My brother just shoved a kitchen knife down his pants.
Yea thats a little awkward.
Chrissy isnt talking to me. Though i'm quite sure idk why.
Perhaps the rumor about me being pissed at her, pissed her off.
which would be lame.
since i was never once angry at her at all.
I'm going to go beg Dad to buy me a book.
so i can sort things out, while reading.
Yea, you try to sort that one out.

Talking to Chrissy.
Discussing Grams.

A little angry right now.
The kind of angry where
i just want to punch someone in the face.
preferably my mom.
always my mom.

Do I want this or not...?
We're way to different. I'm beginning to think
He will never be able to let certain things go.
Or maybe I wont let things go.
It seems like I'm more worried about my arms
then he is. And the fact that dating him
keeps me from doing it again is just damn frustrating.
fuck.

i want to be with him.
but i want other things too.
other things that would scare him if he knew.

the chronicles of life and death.
hah.

so..i have no friends as of yet.
well...at least...hello chrissy.

anyway.
live journal.
i feel emo.
not being judgemental...
emo ppl rock my world.
well other then actual music yah know??

hmmm..this is becoming majorly pointless.
and this christmas tree is poking me in the back.

bah humbug?
no way.
chrissymas...(haha...chrissy..anyway,)
is the best holiday ever.
happy b-day jesus.
deffinately.

:]]