Chaos Theory

Down to Business

2009-12-27T05:49:11Z

Its hard for me to remember exactly why I've made some of the mistakes I have. Most people I know think I'm cold hearted. They tell me I dont feel anything. But the truth is, I feel everything. And if there is a prize for rotten judgement, I feel I've already won that.

I'm a mess. I'm a wreck. I've screwed a lot of things up unintentionally, but still I have this reputation of being cold. So I dont care anymore. I find that being alone is not as difficult as I always imagined. It is actually very very relaxing. Less weight on my shoulders. I miss some of the people I use to be close to, but not very often. They have all changed. How could she possibly expect me to stand by her side as she delves deeper into a hell of her own making? Its not my responsibilty to pull her out of her own grave anymore. She should be able to take care of herself. If she cant see how much she's changed, and how much she is ruining herself, than there is absolutely nothing I can say. I wash my hands of the entire situation.

I have enough of my own problems without hers. She doesnt even want me help. She hates me because of something she did. Doesnt seem to weigh out fairly to me. People always says life is full of choices. They never mention how hard it gets, or how the world seems so vast compared to your small piece of earth. But somehow it doesnt seem like an excuse. It doesnt seem like an excuse to ruin your life and give up on relationships along the way.

Look at me, I will never pass for a perfect friend, or a perfect daughter, or a perfect girlfriend. But I know who I am, and I have people that love me and see what I can be and what I already am. I dont need your judgement.

Happy Fuckin' Holidays

2009-12-24T20:57:32Z

Merry Christmas.
Thats what people say on Christmas, right? Most people arent sitting here stoned, waiting for their boyfriend to show up either. Tonight will be festivities and I'm really not looking forward to any of it. Why does the excitement for Christmas continually waste away the older you get? And I'm not even old yet. I'm only nineteen.

Its been a long time since I wrote in this. Last time I was with, lets see, Timmy. My best friend was Chrissy. I lived with my parents in our house on St. Charles. And I was only seventeen. I also had friends. Many of them.

Now, I havent talked to Timmy in months. Chrissy hates me, and is actually in jail as we speak. My whole family lives with my grandmother now (including me). I cant honestly say I have friends anymore. I'm just going at it alone this time. I'm fine with that. Makes me stronger in the end anyway.

My only constants are my Dad, my brother Nathan, and Devin.

-Peace

No Title.

2008-04-09T20:20:56Z

Class was gay...again. Once again, I didnt get into any trouble. I'm pretty surpised myself. I get to see Timmy today. Needless to say, I cant wait. Its been two days AND it'll get me out of this God forsaken house.

Nathan gave me a few bowls of weed though, so I'm good. I'll just be high up until Timmy comes to get me and guaranteed, he'll have more weed for us to smoke. Damn him and his job.

Oh the wonders of Nicotine.

2008-04-08T19:41:04Z

Well, I never write in this enough. I mean, its been a long time. I'm barely even good at writing in my real journal, much less an online one. But I shall try to stick with the program here.

I hate school. Not every school exactly, just mine. ESD 101 is all right when you consider the fact that Its only three hours long and I get out at 11:00 AM. Or if you look at the fact that a lot of my friends are in there (Joel, James, Clay, Lois, Ian). But than, the fact that my teacher, Mr. Allen is a total pharisaic douche bag comes to mind, and I hate it all over again. I'm even finding myself looking forward to going back to CV.

Anyhoo, I now have 27 dollars, and change which I have no energy to count, in my fund for Chrissy's birthday. Its April 8th, I have a month and two days to come up with 80 dollars. Think I can do it? hah. I dont. But I can try. I want to be able to get us a gram, and a little bit of weed in celebration of the event. Mainly the gram though since I know for sure thats what Chrissy wants.

But on to other things...I noticed in my last entry I wrote that I wasnt so sure about Timmy. Well, believe it or not, we're still together. going on 10 months here. I was wrong. I admit it. I love him. I didnt think I would ever love him, but I do. And its a little bit surprising. Usually, I'm right on about these things. Usually, when I think a relationship wont work, I'm right. But in this case, I was wrong.

wow...I lost my train of thought. Its barreling off the tracks and running into people now. But I guess thats what they get for standing so close to me. Hah. that was gay.

Cigarette Psychology

2007-12-04T00:51:24Z

Well mom is at this very moment prancing about the house, yelling about how she could care less if dad buys milk, and being a total bitch to dad. You see this makes me want a cigarette, but I have none, which gives me a head ache and irritates me even more.
Seriously, you think mom would start to realize that getting pissed about everything changes nothing. It just makes ppl (preferably me) want to punch her in the face.
OMG I NEED A CIGARETTE.
I seriously think i would kill for one right now. Actually. I know i would.
damn mom to hell for not having any.

Rest In Pieces.

2007-09-07T03:58:26Z

Look at me.
My depth perception must be off again
Cuz this hurts deeper then I thought it did
It has not healed with time.
It just shot down my spine.
You look so beautiful tonight.
Reminds me how you layed us down, and gently smiled
before you destroyed my life.

Look at me.
My depth perception must be off again
You got much closer then I thought you did.
I'm in your reach
you held me in your hands.

Would you find it in your heart
to make this go away
and let me rest in pieces

I think i'm a moron

2007-09-04T23:21:33Z

I'm so fuckin confused.
I like Timmy. But I barely see him, and eventually its going to mess things up between us. And the fact that I like someone else doesnt make me feel better about myself.
Honestly. Timmy doesnt deserve this at all. I feel like shit.

I use to know you like the back of my hand
until today, you held your place
now your shifting like the sand
your chest would heave with pride
when I was spoken of
until tonight I never knew the difference between
comfort and love.
although your sleeping right next to me
it feels like you are wide awake, and a distant dream
leading a life that is finally free
of these endless nights, and countless fights
that turn us into who we hate to be

I use to hold you like its all that I had
now begins the falling out
we are like a passing fad
your mouth would crack a smile
if i was spoken of
till tonight you never thought you'd
lose this epic battle with love.
although your sleeping right next to me
it feels like you are wide awake, and a distant dream
leading a life that is finally free
of these endless nights, and countless fights
that turn us into who we hate to be

and this is so difficult for the both of us
I know we tried so hard, theres just no hope for us
well its more then a shame that we lost to this game
all my walking, talking, breathing, sleeping
nothing will ever be the same.

For what its worth, I've always admired you
I always thought we could make it through
Now look what time can do
it took a masterpiece we built and broke it into
I always believed in you
I always loved you

very un-optimistic

2007-08-13T19:04:14Z

Well, life has been very uneventful as of late. I am at the moment downloading a series of songs. Because spokane is lame and there is officially nothing else to do. hmmm....
I'm feeling rather pessimistic. I dont really want to talk to anyone. Its just one of those days. And this song by Garbage fuckin sucks. damn ppl, dont tell me listen to music if it sucks.
anyway...Mom should be home soon.
damnit. Lets name some of the many things I'll get in trouble for today...
1. Laundry
2. madison.
3. world hunger
4. the death of princess diana.
5. world war 2.

overexaggerating of course. But as I said, i'm being bitchy today. I'm going back to bed.

Eclipse, and all the squealable moments

2007-08-08T05:18:08Z

way to go Stephenie Meyer. Edward was amazing in this book.

Jake is awesome. Love him to death. he was such a smart ass that it was laughable. But he was also pissing me off a lot of the time. I mean, seriously, Bella obviously is not going to leave Edward. Lets be realistic here.
I did wonder why he randomly started calling Bella 'love' around the end, but at the same time, it was adorable. Bella pissed me off. I mean seriously. Jake is an awesome guy, but Edward is madly in love with her. So she needs to cut the crap and have mad passionate sex with him.
and the kissing scene between Bella and Jake...I was literally screaming in my head, "WTF!! Dont do that! You HUSSY!" I almost wanted Edward to be angry. She cheated on him. Shes in love with Jake. I was beyond angry. I almost ripped Chrissy's head off her shoulders, from where she sat next to me.
But then I got over it. They are getting married after all.
Rosalie just annoys the hell out of me. She has no reason whatsoever to hate Bella, yet she does. Shes so full of herself that I'm secretly hoping she runs into a table and dies. But of course thats impossible. She would have to be ripped to shreads and burned in order for her annoyingness to go away. Rosalie is like the Paris Hilton of vampires.
when Jake was holding Bella in the sleeping bag, I think I squealed. It was so hilarious how Edward was completely jealous, but he wanted her to be all right, so he allowed it. And then to have them start a fight first thing that morning...made me giggle.
all in all, I love Edward. I love Jake. But Bella doesnt belong with Jake and she never will.
I cant wait for the fourth.

oh nooo....Chrissy is reading to me. She sucks at reading out loud. she pauses every three words or so, and then I get confused. dear lord.

Hey, there witchy woman

2007-08-05T06:19:09Z

My mom thinks I'm a witch.
as in she believes I practice wicca.
do you know what led her to believe this?
I wanted to buy some candles and incense. And you know
that that just screams sabrina the teenage witch. geez.
seems kind of lame to me.
I prove again and again that they can trust me,
but I'm accused of things right and left.
I'm beginning to think that parents trust is like
a huge steak dangling in front of a german shepard
but you keep pulling it away everytime he goes for it.
Parents will tell you you've earned their trust, but really
their watching every move you make to see what you do with it.
hence they dont trust you at all.
i'm not doing wicca.
I'm not a 'witch.'
and personally, I dont think wicca is that bad.

Eclipse, and my rising excitement

2007-08-03T21:28:16Z

Tuesday is when Eclipse comes out.
The third book in the Twilight series
and the last one for another year. I'm nearly falling out of my seat just thinking about it.
Honestly, I cant wait.
I've had this marked on my calendar for months.
Chrissy and I already have a plan.
We're going to spend tuesday night at either
My house or hers, and we're gonna read the books together.
Sounds lame yes, but truely it wont be. Chrissy and I are nerds
who get kicks out of reading. all the time.
we're teased mercilessly by Timmy for it.
but on to bigger, but not better things...
I got an ipod to replace the mp3 that was stolen from me
by my brothers friend. I enjoy it very much. Except the fact
that I have to put all my music on the ipod, which will take forever.
It took me months to get my collection on my mp3.
but oh well, at least i dont need to use that horrible walkman anymore.

the great wonder that is Tuesday.

2007-08-01T02:50:46Z

Well...
life sure is a simple little mystery isnt it?
gah.
Parents try way to hard to be lame.
Huge question of the day;
why are my mom and dad at each others throats when they're the ones who chose to marry each other again?
Cuz they're flippin retards, thats why.
On a better note, I have come to realize
that Holly Black books are amazing. Yes I am a nerd.
But Tithe, Valiant, and Ironside are amazing books,
even if they are a little out there.
I think I'm kinda in love with Roiben.
But he still cant compare to Edward and Jack Sparrow.
or even House for that matter. God, that show needs to start again.
anyway...
My brother just shoved a kitchen knife down his pants.
Yea thats a little awkward.
Chrissy isnt talking to me. Though i'm quite sure idk why.
Perhaps the rumor about me being pissed at her, pissed her off.
which would be lame.
since i was never once angry at her at all.
I'm going to go beg Dad to buy me a book.
so i can sort things out, while reading.
Yea, you try to sort that one out.

relationshits.

2007-07-26T20:05:56Z

Talking to Chrissy.
Discussing Grams.

A little angry right now.
The kind of angry where
i just want to punch someone in the face.
preferably my mom.
always my mom.

Do I want this or not...?
We're way to different. I'm beginning to think
He will never be able to let certain things go.
Or maybe I wont let things go.
It seems like I'm more worried about my arms
then he is. And the fact that dating him
keeps me from doing it again is just damn frustrating.
fuck.

i want to be with him.
but i want other things too.
other things that would scare him if he knew.

the chronicles of life and death.
hah.

pepsi=amazing

2006-12-10T04:49:28Z

so..i have no friends as of yet.
well...at least...hello chrissy.

anyway.
live journal.
i feel emo.
not being judgemental...
emo ppl rock my world.
well other then actual music yah know??

hmmm..this is becoming majorly pointless.
and this christmas tree is poking me in the back.

bah humbug?
no way.
chrissymas...(haha...chrissy..anyway,)
is the best holiday ever.
happy b-day jesus.
deffinately.

:]]